I attended a conference last Monday at which I was told that 90% of all domestic violence was perpetrated by men but that the real figure was probably closer to 95%. This was the position even where domestic violence was described as using emotional abuse, the silent treatment, using coercion and threats, intimidation, using the children and minimising denying and blaming the other side. So it was certainly not limited to physical violence. Despite this very broad and in my view entirely accurate description of domestic violence, the speaker said that the real figure was probably 95% men using violence and 5% women.
I was then told that where parental alienation occurs i.e. where children express unreasonably negative feelings and beliefs towards one of their parents, this is generally a 50/50 situation between the sexes. At the same time I was told that the parent responsible for parental alienation is generally the person who has custody of the children.
I have been working in the area of family law for almost 30 years and I absolutely reject these figures.
In addition to all of this, a report was contained in today’s Irish Times stating that violence against children and women is continuing during access visits arranged by the courts. Reference was made to children, who had “seen their mother being beaten, seeing their mother being raped, seeing their mother being punched”. There was talk of a “tsunami of work” being dealt with by the Dublin Family Law Court. The implication here is that the courts are being overwhelmed as a result of evil violent men continuing to abuse their former partners and even their children.
All I can talk about is my own personal experience as a family lawyer. I can say based on my own personal experience that I have lost count of the number of men who have called to my office saying that they have slowly felt frozen out of their marriage and that for a long time they had suspected that their wife was having a relationship with someone else and then they receive a solicitor’s letter looking for a separation and accusing them of having a drink problem or a gambling problem. In the last year, I have advised four or five men, who have been accused of sexually abusing their children in circumstances where I am absolutely convinced that the reason behind the accusation was to prevent the father having contact with a child, not to protect the child from the father. I have to say this is an absolutely dreadful accusation to make but I am convinced that it is happening more and more often, particularly with young women, who just want the father out of their lives.
Over the years, I have sat in front of men who have cried as I read sections of solicitor’s letters to them where they have been accused of bullying, aggressive violence. They have told me that the exact opposite has been the case and that their wives would punch them and taunt them and invite them to respond in kind stating that they know their rights and they will have him barred within 24 hours. This last example is a very regular feature of the family law cases I handle on behalf of men.
I would also say that based on my personal experience over 25 years that parental alienation most definitely does take place but that in my experience, 90% of the victims of parental alienation are men. Does this count as domestic violence? Does continuous nagging and belittling constitute domestic violence?
I have no doubt that the majority of physical violence in the family home is perpetrated by men. Even a very substantial majority. However in my view the “tsunami” referred to above should not refer to work being dealt with by the family law courts but the statistics that are poured out in our media every day painting men as the sole perpetrators of violence and any form of abusive relationship.
The media continue to portray men as almost exclusively responsible for the ills of family life in Ireland. It seems that I and 95% of the male clients I act for are the only non-violent, non-raping, non-abusing men in Ireland. We should therefore be treated like a protected species.
Kevin Brophy
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