DOMESTIC VIOLENCE – MEN SUFFER TOO!

While it is often portrayed as such, domestic violence does not always involve a female victim and male abuser. A National Study of Domestic Abuse found that 213,000 Irish women and 88,000 Irish men have been severely abused by a partner at some point in their lives. Yet only 5 per cent of those men reported it to the Gardai - a much lower percentage than women (29%). 

It is not hard to understand why. The Domestic Violence Act, 1996, is ‘gender-neutral’ in that it is legislation there to protect anybody affected by abuse; spouse, partner, man or woman. The reality is very different. For a long time domestic abuse was as a gender issue. In the patriarchal society of times gone by, men were the heads of the household and women the subordinates. Men were therefore the usual perpetrators of abuse when it happened. That much is fact. But times have changed. And so must our response to this issue. 

Domestic violence is no longer a cross only women bear. One in six men will be severely abused by their partners at some point in their lives! That is a shocking statistic. And we’re only talking here about severe abuse! Though issues like stigma and shame play a big role in why men are reluctant to report cases of domestic abuse - the worry that they’d be seen as ‘less of a man’ can be a huge obstacle in accessing support. 

Worry about child custody is another common reason why men may choose to ‘stick with it’ rather than leave their abusive relationship behind. If they leave the family home, such is the unequal state of family law in Ireland, there is no guarantee that these fathers will be permitted regular contact with their kids, never mind custody or joint custody. 

For unmarried fathers, the position is even worse. There are, however, things that can be done that afford fathers – married or not - some rights such as applications for guardianship, custody or access. For men who have suffered any type of domestic abuse there are also remedies available to them - barring, protection and safety orders for instance. 

Male domestic abuse is on the rise and in the first instance the extent to which it exists needs to be recognised.

Kevin Brophy,
Brophy Solcitors

WHY DO FATHERS HAVE TO FIGHT TOOTH AND NAIL TO SEE THEIR CHILDREN?

The following is probably the most regular scenario I come across when acting for fathers of young children.

A father (we will call him Stephen) comes in to me and says that his daughter is 3 months old but he separated from her mother (we will call her Anne) and she will not allow him see his daughter. I issue a summons and the case comes to court. The other side will not negotiate with me and they say that baby would not be safe with their father because he has never changed a nappy and he wouldn't know what to do with an infant. The judge agrees to some extent but orders that access will take place for two hours on a Saturday supervised by mother. Stephen comes back to me on a fairly regular basis, generally once every six months or so looking for further access. He hopes to get overnight access but after a year and a half he has only managed to increase access to four hours on a Saturday unsupervised by the mother. 

Stephen then looks for overnight access. Anne says that the child is too young but that she will consider it when the child is 3 years old. The judge agrees.

It is at this point that I would not blame Stephen, given that he is 22 years of age and given that he is now in a relationship with someone else, if he were to simply say that he does not want to continue to fight to have a relationship with his daughter particularly given that he will shortly have a new family. However, he does not want to give up on his daughter and he continues to press for more contact.

Fast forward to last Monday. We were in court six months ago and we got one overnight every two weeks. 

On this occasion Stephen was looking for two overnights every two weeks and the mother said that she thought this would be too disruptive and that her daughter was only just about able to handle the current access arrangement being one overnight every two weeks. 

Eventually the judge made an order granting my client an increase in access but less than he was looking for and mother was very unhappy leaving the court.

What is the problem with young mothers? I have known my client for the last three years and he is clearly entirely devoted to his daughter. Not one complaint has ever been made about him not turning up for access or about anything happening during access. The only time something acrimonious happens is when mother refuses to agree to a further access. I really would like to know what is it in mothers that make them act in this way. It happens so regularly and the arguments used are always identical. “Access is too disruptive”; “she is too young to be spending so much time away from her mother”; “she is always upset and disturbed when she returns from access”. It’s always the same. Fathers like Stephen have to fight tooth and nail to have any sort of relationship with their sons or daughters. And I have yet to come across a situation where I have had to review my thinking about these fathers. 

All they want to do is have a relationship with their infant sons and daughters. Their sights are low. They do not tend to look for joint custody or 50 50 joint parenting. They just want to have a reasonable relationship with their child. Is that too much to ask?

Kevin Brophy

Brophy Solicitors

When even your friends are your enemies...

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I am in the process of taking over a family law case on behalf of a very unhappy father. He told me that his previous solicitor was not supporting his application to have joint custody of his very young son. He is a self employed man, who has organised his working week so that he can be free three days a week to look after his son. He is clearly a very dedicated, very caring, very loving father. He accepts that his wife is a caring, loving mother.

I had to admit that I thought there was more to the fall out with his previous solicitor than I was being told and when I spoke to the very experienced female family law solicitor, who had previously represented him, I was completely taken aback to hear her state that my client was being utterly unreasonable and that there was absolutely no hope that he would get the type of joint custody he was looking for.

What she said was that my client was treating his son like a commodity – 50% to you and 50% to me. She said that this child was only 5 years of age and it was clear that the mother should always have primary care and control in circumstances such as this.

I am only commenting on this because it happens so often. It particularly angers me because I have always believed a solicitor’s role to advise and support their client and not impose your own personal values on the client.

Men have a hard enough time with a legal system that is biased so much in favour of mothers without having their own lawyers adopting the same approach.

I would say this to all clients who are instructing a new solicitor. Suss them out first. Have a cup of coffee with them and find out if they are genuinely on your side and if they will genuinely support and help you through the process whether it is family law or anything else. You are paying a fee and probably a generous fee to a person, who at the very minimum, should support and help you through a particularly traumatic time of your life. The very last thing they should do is impose their own moral judgements on you. Ask your solicitor if you can talk to any of their previous clients. You would do the same if you were getting a builder to build your extension and so why not with your solicitor. Ask them if you can meet them in a less formal setting and get some idea what sort of person they are and how they will represent you.

If somebody is supposed to be on your side, make sure they really are on your side. A wolf in sheep’s clothing is a very dangerous animal.

Kevin Brophy
Brophy Solicitors